Sunday, November 8, 2009

Saturday School

Lessons Learned On Just Your Average Saturday

1. Do not lose your dignity over a parking spot.
Lady A and Lady B?  That prime parking spot at Nordstrom Rack in Laguna is not worth killing each other over.  Also, you two look really silly having a Mercedes pissing match to see who finally gets the spot.  You DO realize both of you will have to walk into the same store and shop in the same aisles in about three minutes, right?  Just checkin'.
2. Every woman needs a pair of 4 inch leopard heels.
You might think you don't. You might think you're the sensible shoe wearing sort of woman but deep down in that sexy gut of yours you know you are a leopard-heel-gonna-hurt-like-hell-at-the-end-of-the-night wearing girl.  They look good on you already.  Oh, and remember what my mother taught me...if your shoes are whore-y then tone the rest down.  Well, she said to always wear taupe but you get the idea.

3. You don't have to buy everything.
Today I wanted to.  I wanted to buy everything.  I saw these charcoal pearls and they were long and if I bought four strands of them and looped them twice I would have a work of art around my neck.  And then I would need a charcoal gray crew neck sweater to go with it because the only gray sweaters I have at home are light gray, medium gray and almost charcoal gray.  Clearly I needed a new one.  So, I took my Nordstom cart to the side and stared at my items and asked myself the question that I hate asking, "Do I need this stuff or is it going to end up on the floor with the other twenty sweaters?"  I left with just the shoes and a bit more money in my purse.  I'm still not sure it was the right decision from a sweater perspective.  It is fall, after all and the pearls against my new crew sweater would have been so cool.  Shit.  I wonder what time they open on Sundays?
4. Never answer when someone asks you, "How old do you think I am?"
Never.  I was in Target doing my end of evening stroll and this man was walking the aisles, talking to himself which I can't really judge because right now I'm singing holiday tunes to myself.  "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling..." is the song of the evening and boo on you if you don't want to listen.  Anyway, this guy is about 8 feet tall and has thick matted dark hair and light blue eyes and looks like maybe, just maybe his meds might need adjusting.  And he goes up to a Target Guest Service Helper Assister Guy and asks (more like follows), "No, really, I'm not walking away until you answer.  Tell me how old you think I am.  Cause I think I look pretty young."  Target Guy makes the grand mistake of answering, "45."  Never, ever answer when someone asks you, "How old do you think I am?"  Especially when they are 8 feet tall.
5. Be kind to old people at the movies. 
I go to indie movies more often than not.  And there's a trend.  You'd think the theatre would be full of Starving Students or Angry Artsy People or Down With Republicanists.  Nope.  My theater has a bunch of blue hairs.  And they save seats by throwing their super cozy sweaters over three spots.  And they yell to their friends arriving late so that the hard of hearing friends can find each other.  Sometimes, once all the yelling and settling of the sweaters is done a lovely old couple will walk in.  Tonight was one of those nights.  It was dark already as the previews had begun and the man appeared to be struggling with walking just enough to make him feel uncomfortable but not enough where it was terribly noticeable.  I noticed.  I have a dad like that.  I could tell it was going to be a huge effort for them to go sit in the front.  Sometimes you don't realize how hard it is for a person with limited mobility to take just a few steps.  And so, I grabbed my diet coke and my half eaten hot dog and my luggage sized purse, quickly got up and headed to the front.  Be kind to people that need spots in movies. Be kind to people that sometimes just need an extra hand or a seat or a gesture.  Oh, the ones that talk on the cell phone through the first 20 minutes of the same movie?  They can take my cold hard beatdown.  I got no love for them.  Not on Saturday.

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