Mission, Museum and Musings...
1. You do not need all the clothes you have. Give them.
2. Homeless are you and me with less shelter, oh, and more manners.
3. Choose to look beyond someone's appearance and circumstance and find their story. The Year I Was Homeless
4. It still is okay to take a whole booth and eat a whole meal by your whole self. You're a whole grown up.
5. Coleslaw is awesome.
6. It might seem silly to you in your rush to go to the next place and do the next thing but STOP! Breathe. Smell all the smells. Listen to all the sounds. Hear all the conversations. Pick out the ones that interest you the most. Look around and see all the colors.
7. It's okay to stop your car on the side of the road if you have a thought and want to write it down. It's not okay to do it in the right turn lane. People don't really like that.
8. Making out in underground museum parking lots is hell o' sexy. I wish it was me in that car. I wish it was me in that car with you. Yes, you.
9. If you need to, go ahead....impress people with your knowledge of art. You don't need to impress me. I'd like to know what piece makes you smile and what piece makes you frown and what piece makes you mad. I'd like to know what piece you think is a waste of your "hard earned money" and what piece makes you want to fall in love.
10. Some paintings seem so overwhelming and emotional when you are young. And then you grow up, well, not so much. It's the same with difficult people.
11. A homeless woman wearing a glittery New Year's Eve hat? That's some fkn' perspective.
12. There was this piece in the Eli Broad building at LACMA. You sit on a bench, one of many, and look at what appears to be a, ummm, black wall. It's not. It's for you to do what you will with...think, create, cry, dream, grieve, whatever. Rest even! Not everything has to be covered with something. Not every moment between two people has to be full of conversation...there can be lulls and there can be space and that's really beautiful in relationships, I mean...uh, art.
13. Hip Museum Girl said she saw me walk in earlier and loved my shoes. Sometimes it can feel SO lonely being alone and then you realize someone is watching you. Or someone has noticed you. You're not so alone, little bird. Go out and have those little adventures all by your lonesome. You'll be just fine.
Much love,
Cole
Lessons in love from me...to you. You're very, very welcome for my transparent heart and gushy mind.
1. French love songs help ease the pain of a new "in like" fading to "'eh".
2. Whipped cream helps, too. Use it to coat everything, particularly your raw beating heart on the table. Or, uhh...the hot chocolate. Both burn your insides.
3. After talking to my niece yesterday I realized, love at 17 is no different than love at 37. It's just more wrinkled and requires a calendar.
4. All you can do is take a man at his word until you can't. That bit o' wisdom is from a southern friend. They know a couple things down there, ya'll.
5. You are tall, booby and leggy enough for someone.
6. LA Sucks. Except for Phillipes and MOCA and, well, that's about it. Ask me in a couple months. This week, it completely sucks egg.
7. If he invites someone else to the concert and only invites you to lunch, run, darling. It's ending before it even starts. You should be the lunch girl and the concert girl and the kissing girl and the dirty text girl. It's a package deal.
8. Men will try to put you in their pocket and pull you out when it's convenient. Don't fit in the pocket. Don't be a pocket girl. Take a whole fucking seat and refuse to be tucked away.
9. Men do dumb things. They are still good men.
10. You do dumb things. You still are a good women.
11. I do dumb things. I'm still amazing.
12. It's worth falling in a bit of love to experience that, "I can't concentrate"' feeling. To be Pre Middle Age and still have that is worth it. Even when it ends.
13. Continue with the French love songs if you still feel like shit. It'll end soon.
14. Within a moment, you'll take a breath, look up and another bit of love will be there. And one day, because you believe in messy, beachy love, the real thing will come along.
15. Even when you're tempted to close up and wall up after a "love hurt". Don't! Man up! Open that gushy heart. Be brave and say yes to love again.
Terrrible love blows this week. And a cold on top of it. I should jump off the ledge. It's only two steps though so I don't think it would be quite as impactful as I'd imagine. So, I'll keep my heart open. I'll love. I'll say hello. I'll have lunch with strange men that smell of gorgeous little adventures. And I'll wait for kisses and texts and dates and like and then perhaps...love.
Much love to you this very merry Christmas. May your list be full of nothing but the want of friends, family and fellowship.
Muahh,
Cole
Conversation: Even a Caveman Can Do it.
Conversation: It’s to a date what Conan is to the Barbarian; what Murray’s Pomade is to Brian Setzer’s hair; what Bruce Lee is to taking ass and kicking names. I think you get the point… Yeah, it’s that important.
I’m not the best conversationalist in the world. I’d say I’m pretty average. However, in my dating adventures I’ve learned how to converse with people that have varied and disparate interests from my own. One thing that is common from person to person is that, regardless of their shyness, they like to talk about themselves and their interests.
In addition to people wanting to talk about themselves there’s another basic principal that I base my conversation philosophy on: Open and Closed questions. Questions and answers are the basis of most any conversation; generally used to continue or initiate a conversation. Knowing the difference between the two can help you to identify where you might be failing in conversation. Also finding balance in the conversation is key. You don’t want to dominate or be dominated in the conversation. Finding the right mix is impossible; however, finding something close is pretty easy.
Closed Questions
There are two definitions that are used to describe closed questions. One such definition is that a closed question can be answered with either a single word answer or short phrase response or can be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” Generally speaking, if you’re on a date you want to engage your date and be engaged by them. As such, closed questions should be used to open a conversation; otherwise they should be kept at a minimum unless you have other follow up questions ready to go.
Some closed questions would be: ‘How are you?’ or ‘How old are you?’ and ‘is that a spork in front of you?’
Closed questions, in summary, can be used best when opening a conversation. For example, ‘Isn’t it a nice day?’ or ‘Where do you live?’ Closed questions can also be used to test for understanding as well, to ensure that you understand your date. And, if you’re a manipulative terd, then closed questions could be used to set a mood or even suggest a certain outcome… It’s all in the delivery and how you ask these questions; and I’m not really here to tell you how to manipulate people. If I knew how I’d be earning a hefty pay check and not writing blogs.
Open Questions.
An open question seeks, as its purpose, a lengthy response; quite the opposite of a closed question. Open questions require one to think and reflect; they require one to share opinions and feelings; and, most importantly, they allow one to pass control of the conversation to one another.
Some questions that fall in this category are: ‘How do you keep focused on school?’ ‘What do you do for fun in your spare time?’ and ‘What did you do this week?’ These questions require reflection and thought and will give you a lengthier response. Such questions usually begin with: How, what, what and describe. But certainly there are a lot of ways to initiate an open question.
Open questions, as I stated, pass control and allow one to share the conversation with another person, in this case, their date. It can be scary to do that, though. However, a well-placed question leaves you in control as you can potentially steer their interest and engage them where you are most comfortable with them.
Balance, it’s not just about getting the right amount of Fiber in your diet.
As for finding a good balance in conversation between two people on a date there’s really no magic “rule,” so to speak. But mixing in a couple closed questions with an open question seems to work well for me… However, I find that if you are able to get your date to ask YOU open questions then you’re definitely on the right track. This empowers you to intrigue you date with your wit, charm and awful jokes or intrigue your date with incomplete stories.
Lessons Learned on Your Average Sunday
1. Master Light Horn Tapping.
So, the light turns green and I mean barely turns green and Monster Truck Guy lays on his horn for me to go. Me? In my poor, aged car. So mean. We both go, turn the corner and stop at the next light. That's when I get out. Yep. I did. I motioned for Monster Truck Guy to roll down his window and said, "Darling, I don't know what you're so angry about but it's a light, that's it. And your honk is completely inappropriate. A light tap or two will do and maybe you can throw in a wave." He grinned, apologized and we went on our way.
If your mother isn't dying and you're not rushing to get to the hospital to see her, there's no need to lay on the horn that hard. Master the art of the light tap.
2. Say Sorries.
I parked my car in one of the many shopping malls I visited this weekend. And I was running through some rather racy texts before going inside. I like a little visual stimulation to inspire my shopping. So, Accord pulls in real fast two spots over and rams (yes rams) into a shopping cart. Said shopping cart goes barreling (yes barreling) into the front of my car and hits with a rather loud thud.
I did the two horn tap to get her attention and noticed that she watched the whole incident happen. She got out of her car, grabbed a package from the trunk and quickly ran inside the store, avoiding eye contact with me. Hmmm.
My younger year instinct would have been to have an encounter with her and Set. Her. Straight.
I'm over it. I looked at her and saw myself as a young woman, making rash, fast, hurried decisions and thinking of myself more than others. And I quickly remembered causing little bumps and dents of the car and non car type. I smiled. I let it go.
And I reminded myself to say sorry when I cause dents and bumps and bruises and thuds even if others don't. I'm only responsible for my sorries.
3. Moments are More Important Than Material.
I went to dinner with Brazil last night and we had a very boring lackluster evening of conversationless sushi. Thank God the tuna was spicy because nothing else was. Brazil is handsome and sexy and otherwise fun to watch but conversationally, he is an Ambien.
He got me started thinking about cars though and perhaps looking at a new one instead of the old one I have. I was a constant new car girl for many years. It's a little humbling being no power steering or air conditioning girl. I do like being no car payment girl though.
Thinking. Thinking.
So, Brazil is talking through all the financing options because that is what he does and he's making calls and I love when men make calls for me. And he takes me home and I sleep the sleepless night of a woman that might be buying a new car for the first time in a long time...again.
And that really turns me on.
And it hits me. Well, it doesn't hit me immediately but it hits me as I'm out test driving Mercedes the week before Thanksgiving. There are people without food. Let me rephrase, there are people without food everyday of the week but it's highlighted in the heart the week of thanksgiving. So, I'm waiting for the guy to get the key to have me drive the car and I keep hearing in my heart, "You're going to spend $500 on this car and you could spend $500 on a person...every month." I had great conflict in my heart about it. I still have great conflict about it.
There are pre middle age questions to ask and to answer. Is the car more important than the people? Is the image more important than quietly helping someone in need? Will material matter more than moments? I can't honestly say I have answers to all of these but I'm glad, at this age, I'm wrestling with the questions.
Much love....Cole
Online Dating: What to Say in a First Message
Online dating is cool. I like it because it’s very convenient. You can check out profiles at any time you like and pick and choose what you’re looking for. It’s kind of like Eugenics… But, um, not really… Well, it kinda sorta IS to a degree. Let’s not belabor the point any further. Okay? Good. Even though online dating is convenient it, too, poses many challenges. The first being: Getting past the first message. How does one hope to elicit a response from the object of their desire? I’ve got a few tips gathered from a few different sources on this topic. You’ll be surprised what you find out…
Know your, you’re, their, they’re, there aka have a firm grasp of the English language!
This one should go without saying, but people don’t want to read “netspeak.” No one wants to read:
“Hey baby wut r u doin? Ur so sExy!”
So take time to spell check. Maybe even have a friend proof read if your grammar skills are less gooder than most. People like a sense of humor and trying to put that through with sub par grammar will surely cause you to fail. Plus, bad grammar tends to make you look dumb…
Avoid Complimenting Physical Attributes.
Sure, you’ve been there. You find a profile that you like, great pics and you are just all about this person. You want to let them know what you think. For guys, it’s probably not a good idea to tell a woman such things right off the bat. Engage their personality and their intellect. For the ladies, they can get away with complimenting a guy more than men could with women. Women tend to scoff at guys when they receive a message containing compliments of their attributes… Instead, be a little vaguer with your compliments, if you feel compelled to give them. Instead of telling someone they’re sexy, tell them they are fascinating, awesome or cool and point out something they wrote on their profile.
Keep the Game in the Web Site.
At some point you’ll meet someone online that you click with. Through the nature of “getting-to-know-you-convo” you and your cyber beau will outgrow communicating through the site you met on. You may call, email or IM. That’s fine and dandy but don’t go asking for a phone number, IM or anything else in your first message. It’s probably wise to hold off the first couple of messages before you initiate that next step of contact. The reason is that people enjoy the anonymity that online dating sites offer. People can be free to browse and chat as they wish, by their own means. For women I think that’s an especially important aspect of online dating because it gives them a lot of control and they can feel safe with those they choose to communicate with. When you go asking for phone numbers and IMs right off the bat not only can a person feel uncomfortable with the request, but they also don’t know you well enough. So why are they going to bother? In fact, you may find that you get no response in return. Be patient and hang in there. You’ll get that number, it takes time.
Be Creative with Your Opening Greeting.
Try bucking the standard greetings like, “Hello” or “Hey there.” Try something different and non-offensive. Though, that seems like a given, doesn’t it? You’d be surprised how many people espouse their love of thievery and baby tossing in their first message.
To that end try starting with something slightly silly like “Howdy,” or “How’s it going?” or even the simple “Yo.” Now, these aren’t guaranteed responses, but throwing something out there and being different does help. Be creative and see what responses you get.
Talk About Specifics.
This one should go without saying, alas, it does not. A lot of times people will message someone without looking at their profile. It shows a lack of consideration on the side of the message sender.
To that point, it’s far better to talk about specific details on a person’s profile such as music, activities, travel or whatever it is that the person you are messaging is into. Bands, books and travel tend to be great conversation pieces and have a chance at getting better responses than bringing up someone’s looks. Asking questions about things a person says in their profile is great, too! It shows you really took time to comb over a person’s profile.
Be Modest… But Still Be Confident.
It could be that appearing modest and, to a lesser degree, somewhat unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It’s easier to be approached by this sort of person as they don’t conjure up images of the dude rubbing up on a random girl at a club… Saying something like, “I’m sure you hear this a lot but…” or “I’m not sure” or even “I wasn’t going to message you but…” Those all may seem like weak things to say in a message, but being modest can still make someone come off as genuinely nice and amiable.
Keep it Brief.
There’s something to be said for brevity. No one wants to read your life story or philosophies right off the bat. Keep it short and sweet and to the point. If you’re looking for a word count, try to keep it between three and four hundred words. That is a couple paragraphs of witty soul-mate catching copy. Anything more can have the effect of making you seem obsessed or that you have an odd growth on your face. Eeeewwwww. Gross!
Until next time, have fun out there.
Visit The Urban Dater for your latest dating tips and relationship advice.
Lessons Learned on a Mini LA Adventure
Courtesy of The Brazilian who made me so mad with his call today that I got in the car and headed....West!
1. Stop, breathe and watch.
Today, I saw four little kids that were amazing. They went into the restroom to wash up before lunch and had such a sense of the adults around them. They said "pleases" and "thank yous" and helped each other reach the water and the soap and held the door for me when they didn't need to do that.
Some kids are so in their head that they wouldn't dare think of another person. Some adults are. Sometimes I am. I was terribly, terribly impressed. Rather than rushing and wanting them to hurry through eights hand...I took a step back and just...watched. It was lovely and sweet and a nice little on-my-way-to-LA moment.
2. Don't shame people.
Before I left Orange County, I stopped to put gas in the car and walked inside Chevron to get Evian. (commence with eye rolling now.) Screw you...I like the bottle. Anyway, no one was behind the counter so I waited and then HE came out. The customer service guy that was working on cleaning the bathroom. With the cleaning-the-bathroom-gloves on. Sure, those are the gloves he should be wearing and I'm so thankful he's doing his job and keeping the restroom nice and clean for customers. Did he have to grab my pretty pink and white Evian water bottle with the bathroom cleaning gloved hand and ring it up? I could have gone all gangsta on him. I could have made him feel embarrassed for this BREACH in SERVICE! What's the point? He's a hard working man earning a living and simply doing his job. And it's my job as a pre middle age woman to have an ounce of grace and simply smile, walk away nicely and tell him to have a good day.
I left the Evian Toilet Water behind with the smile.
3. A Line is Just a #$%@'n Line
I made it to Phillipe's in downtown LA for my favorite sandwich in the whole world. And unfortunately, a new Metro line opened today that drops directly into my sandwich shop. Damn. The lines are long. You have two options. You can stand in line and make friends or you can piss and moan. The people behind me decided to piss and moan.
I don't think they are having a lot of sex.
No one is out to get you. The line didn't form to ruin your day. The line didn't plan weeks in advance to make you Sunday Unhappy. It's just a line. A little itty bitty long ass line and sure, it sucks but you're going to be okay. It's a sandwich after all. If you really are in dire straights then maybe the line isn't for you. So, don't go all CSI over who is moving to what line and "so and so cut in front and did you just see that???". Let it happen. It can be kinda organic. Really. It's a line with people and the people matter more than the #$%@'n line. They do.
4. Nobody Wants to Piss Next to the Free Air/Water Machine
I was driving on the 10, my favorite freeway because I know all the bumps and grooves when all of a sudden I didn't know all of the bumps and grooves. Having the panic brain of a single woman I naturally assumed: my car is going to explode all four tires in under 20 seconds. I moved to the slow lane and exited near the Convention Center.
A gas station? A gas station? Ahh....and I find one and check on the tires and one is a little low but not devastatingly low so I pull up next to the Free Air/Water Machine of which there are none in Orange County and start to fill 'er up.
And it hits me...it smells like urine. And I roll my eyes with a big Orange County eye roll and think about how much I love where I live in a big Orange County way. And drive off.
Minutes later...it hits me. No one wants to piss next to the Free Air/Water Machine. Who wants to do that? It's out of necessity that we do those things. Sometimes it's out of survival. And I'm instantly mad at my Orange County self for forgetting in a breath it could be me that is without a home, without somewhere to sleep and without somewhere to go to the restroom in private with a bit of dignity.
I'm a pre middle age idiot sometimes. I'm glad I realize it sooner than later most times.
Lots of talk about about Chevron restrooms and urine on Evian bottles and washing hands in restrooms and pissing on streets, huh? Sometimes Sunday School is like that.
Much love....Cole
I waited at Ruby's for three hours tonight for Staff to arrive. Okay, well, I worked on some writing for two hours and then waited for Staff for the last. Still, three hours sounds so much better. He wanted Pinkberry and I find it unreasonable to say no to such things. We got our amazing-life-changing-yogurt-goodness and went on our outdoor mall walk. I like walking with Staff. He tells me everything I have to say is full of crap. I pretend not to listen to him. It's a great friendship.
The Pinkberry-ness of the evening is almost done and Staff mentions, "Did you know that neuroscientists say men should wear baby powder behind their ear to attract women? That women are drawn to the scent...that whole wanting a baby and nurturing thing." Gross.
Give. Me. A. Break. The steps you men will go to are exhausting. If it takes baby powder behind the ear at a club to mind trap a women into dating you because you think she is baby crazy, you might have the wrong woman. Plus, do you really want crazy-wants-to-make-a-baby-tonight-woman in your bed? Tonight? Think, man. Think!
See, you don't need to trick us into wanting you. We WANT you. We like your scruffy beards. We like your almost wrinkled shirts. We like your suits. We like when you know all the answers and the crinkled look when you sometimes don't. We adore the smell of you not the baby powder jedi mind trick version of you. We like that you smell a little musky and sometimes smell a little like the end of a hard work day. We don't need you to smell like a baby's butt, no. Don't trick us into wanting you. That might work for an evening but if you're looking for anything longer than your 20 minutes of fame, you're going to have to win us over....with you.
And we really, really like....you.
