This blog brought to you by the National Rifle Association. Grrr.
I was still in the office even though I’m famous for saying I’m leaving in ten minutes. Translation (I have two more meetings I forgot about or didn’t accept on my calendar and there is one more person sitting at my desk spilling their life story even though I’ve clearly done the ‘I’m standing up to leave move’ three times.) That translation. It means, I’m stuck even though the one place I want to be is with you.
Yes, you. Well, with the two of you. Meaning with Kristy and Amit. They are my engineering friends and if you didn’t know EVERYONE should have engineering friends. They are logical in ways you are not, you crazy almost psychotic artist types and the balance of having an engineer in your life will keep you out of jail.
I need to be kept out of jail. I’m running low on bail money these days.
And my engineer, ya engineer, THE engineer, Will, that is. Well, he’s engaged and that means that I need new engineers in my life. So, Amit and Kristy are not substitutes. They are the real thing. Good people. Funny. Sarcastic. Dry as hell humor which is a prerequisite for an engineer and this, a rarity, they are cool.
A cool engineer. Two cool engineers. I might as well have won the lottery. Hell, this is better than winning the lottery cause nowadays if you win the lottery your best friend kills you and buries you in cement and being buried in cement really sucks.
Completely.
So, it’s raining dogs and cats like Will says and I finish my meetings and it’s Friday night and Amit wants to go to the shooting range. The range? Shooting? I’m not sure what you call it but he wants to use a gun and point it a pretend people. Paper people. People without lower limbs. Just thinking about it I’m wondering if this is such a good idea.
Lessons Learned at The Range.
1. Funny to you isn’t funny to them.
The guy behind the counter doesn’t like terrorist jokes when you are holding a gun. He also doesn’t like those jokes when you are buying bullets. Just stay away from terrorist humor all together if you are near firearms and keep telling everyone you’re from Afghanistan, Amit from India.
2. Rules are for a reason.
I’m not big on following directions. I don’t like people telling me what to do. You know that by now. Point the gun towards the target, not towards the bench. Put the safety on; don’t point it at Amit’s ass. Blah, blah, blah.
3. Aim for the heart, not just the head.
I learned this late in the evening and really, learned it late in life. With shooting, it’s two shots to the chest (heart) and one to the head. Not so much with me. I put up my target and went straight for the poor guy’s brain and made mush out of it. I’m a damn good shot. Oh, I do that all the time. And I’m so good with the heart. And know how to make that all mush, too but I see that brain and immediately start taking shots at it. I can’t help it. The brain turns me on. And the heart, well, it scares me a little bit. No, a lotta bit. I’m a better shot at the brain and it takes more time for me to aim at the heart, I mean the chest. I’m learning though. It’s that whole following the rules thing and everything.
4. We can be strong and sensual.
We were mid shooting and my Droid rang. I have a Droid. (insert pause for jealousy and angry banter with Ipod owners over who has the best apps) So, I can’t hear a thing because of my “don’t blow out your eardrum” headphones that are not terribly cute in pictures. I take a moment in the car to listen to the message and it’s Him. You know, Him. The guy I’m dating. The one that is not an engineer but still would keep me out of jail. And he says, “Just checking on my pistol packin’ princess. Hope you’re being careful.” It was his best protective voice. He has a great protective voice. Darling women, it’s okay to shoot and to be sensual. To fight and to fear. To be both a pistol, I mean to have one, and to be a princess.
5. Are you an Uzi or a revolver in love?
Are you closing your eyes and blindly shooting to see what you hit? Little too premiddleage for that, aren’t we? Hold your revolver, take a breath, plant your feet, steady your vision and aim.
A little of the head. A lot of the heart.
Much love and ammunition,
Cole
Brought to you by the US Postal Service.
I'm not real happy with the USPS right now. I went to check the mail last night and there was a bunch. Remind me to check it more often than not, please? Anyway, three pieces stood out. I mean, they really stood out. No, they stood OUT.
1. A rejection letter from SO and SO Literary Agency. That's not the name of the agency, Silly. I'm protecting the innocent so you don't go all postal. Yes, another rejection. From another man. This one said, "I only do commercial fiction." Another man telling me I'm not his type. Fuck.
2. A Weight Watchers coupon. Any other day I would have just thrown it in the trash but right now I'm exercising and eating better. Okay, this weekend I didn't eat better. Well, unless you call corn dogs better. A Weight Watchers mass coupon is fine on any other day but it's not fine on the day I get a "you're not my type rejection letter from the SO and SO Literary Agency". One more corndog to go, please. With extra corndog. And maybe a donut. Where is that coupon in case I need it?
3. As if the rejection letter and the weight loss coupon weren't enough for a Tuesday, there was a "You're as old as dirt and need to come live in the old folks home and we're giving you a free lunch to come visit" gift card. You know, THAT ONE?
Too much for one day. I loathe the United States Postal Service this week. I might not like them very much next week. I hold them personally responsible for the content of my mailbox. And I expect going forward that they'll clear all angst producing mail out of said box before I arrive.
Are we clear?
Random Lessons This Week.
1. Always close the blinds before wearing your bra on top of your clothes.
I don't know that this is something I really need to explain in detail but just do it. Close the blinds. People walk by and they wonder what you and your girlfriends are doing and then there are all these questions and it's just easier to keep the blinds closed.
2. Girlfriends can produce belly laughter that cannot be duplicated. Have them in your life.
We nearly wet our pants multiple times this weekend. I almost had to pull the car over from doubling over in laughter. You know that laugh when you can't breathe? That's the kind of fun we had. Sure, there were kids at Disney that had to have parent-hand-muffs placed on their ears but we had so much fun.
3. A good man makes it easier to breathe.
It's true. I'm breathing easy right now and having the time of my life. And no, maybe it won't be like this all the time but I'm thinking it might be like this a lot of the time. He's a good man and communicates well and is all these amazing things and to write about him here would take too much space. So, for now, this is all you get, the me breathing easier.
4. Even waiting in line can be fun with the right company.
Waiting in line with a man you're attracted to is the best thing. Any chance to be near him is all you want. Waiting in line with girlfriends is the next best thing. There's quiet cackling and guffawing and all the sort of girlfriend things that one does when they are with girlfriends and the rules are out the window for the evening.
5. Never make your new husband wear Mickey Groom ears. Just don't. For many reasons, don't. Please.
We saw them. We did. She had on Minnie Mouse Bride ears and he had on Mickey Mouse Groom ears and it was the sweetest and saddest thing I had seen in the park. Stacia and Miss Larkin looked at my face and I was frozen in disgust. Sorry! Displays of inappropriate affection like that gross me out. And the Mickey Groom had braces on top of that. Come on, now! And they were kissing non stop. Kiss away newlyweds but please take off the special hats.
6. You don't always have to ask for things. Sometimes you get something even better if you don't ask.
I wanted to ask him to stop by and kiss me before he left the city one evening recently. I didn't. I said goodbye and trusted I would see him soon. And, much to my pleasure, he asked to stop by for a very proper goodnight kiss. Sometimes if you don't ask you get these wonderful, little, sweet gifts.
7. Touch can both wound and heal the heart.
I've spent years being the recipient of, and witness of, touch wounding the heart. Finally, finally I'm seeing and feeling what it's like for touch to heal. It's really something when the graze of a hand on your arm or someone reaching out to guide you through a crowd can shift, well, things.
8. Be brave, Little One and take that weight off your chest.
If you like him, tell him. You will not break into pieces. I promise. Not much more to say about that. Just be brave and say the things you want to say and know you'll be okay on the other side of your words. They are just words made up of little tiny individual letters.
9. Communication is key and sometimes non-communication is key.
You can learn to communicate well if you have been communicating poorly. You can communicate less if you tend to over communicate. You can communicate by touch if you can't communicate in words. And you can communicate tenderly if you communicate harshly. Nothing is permanent and today it can be different.
10. Make their importants your importants.
What is important to the person you care about? Make it important to you. Not so important that it invades your boundaries but important enough that it invades your thoughts.
Oh, and definitely don't streak across the living room on Sunday morning before Sunday School. That's just wrong in a very Old Testament way.
Much love this chilly day,
Cole
Brought to you from all the tickets stubs currently collecting in the bottom of my fabulous purses.
1. The circus is more fun at 37 1/2 than it is at 3 1/2. I bet 37 3/4 is even better.
2. The minute you think you are too cool to go to the front of the stage, go. Get outside your pre middle age comfort zone. No standing in the back for you, you hot thing.
3. When the drummer says to fuckin' dance like when you were five, fuckin' dance like when you were five, darlin'. Quit worrying about who is around you and what you are wearing and who you want to impress and the sweating. Just dance.
4. Go places you don't normally go. Do things you don't normally do.
5. Outrageous valet fees are worth it to save your feet in those 4 inch heels. You're welcome.
6. Tip well. Tip even well-er-ish when you have an old ass car. Be cool like that.
7. You are not too old to take on a creative endeavor. Want to be a painter? Pick up a brush and start painting. You can start being the you you dream of today. Today. That was, uh, today.
8. Heavy play requires long naps sometimes. Take them before your grouchy kicks in.
9. Don't play cool. Be wide eyed, darling! Enjoy new things and ask questions and see things for the first time. It's okay to be the question asker instead of the question answerer.
10. Shift. Find something new. Put the old toys away every once in awhile and make a day for new ones, new adventures, new songs, new places and new sounds.
11. Master the art of calendar management. Playing is hard without it. Working and playing is even harder without it.
12. Play is powerful. Maybe it's watching a performance or being part of one or sitting alone in a theater or communicating with your lover or designing something or writing something or reading something or having your ass kicked in yoga or simply watching grown men beat the shit out of each other on the ice.
13. Nod your head rather than shake it. Clap your hands rather than clenching your fists.
14. Pretty little girl....get outside your head, outside your body, outside self. The world is bigger than you and your pretty little head so just go ahead and have yourself an amazing time. I promise you'll have fun.
15. Oh, and kissing. Make sure there is lots of kissing. Kissing is more fun at 37 1/2 than at 3 1/2 for sure. I bet 37 3/4 is even better.
Much love and play,
Cole
Mission, Museum and Musings...
1. You do not need all the clothes you have. Give them.
2. Homeless are you and me with less shelter, oh, and more manners.
3. Choose to look beyond someone's appearance and circumstance and find their story. The Year I Was Homeless
4. It still is okay to take a whole booth and eat a whole meal by your whole self. You're a whole grown up.
5. Coleslaw is awesome.
6. It might seem silly to you in your rush to go to the next place and do the next thing but STOP! Breathe. Smell all the smells. Listen to all the sounds. Hear all the conversations. Pick out the ones that interest you the most. Look around and see all the colors.
7. It's okay to stop your car on the side of the road if you have a thought and want to write it down. It's not okay to do it in the right turn lane. People don't really like that.
8. Making out in underground museum parking lots is hell o' sexy. I wish it was me in that car. I wish it was me in that car with you. Yes, you.
9. If you need to, go ahead....impress people with your knowledge of art. You don't need to impress me. I'd like to know what piece makes you smile and what piece makes you frown and what piece makes you mad. I'd like to know what piece you think is a waste of your "hard earned money" and what piece makes you want to fall in love.
10. Some paintings seem so overwhelming and emotional when you are young. And then you grow up, well, not so much. It's the same with difficult people.
11. A homeless woman wearing a glittery New Year's Eve hat? That's some fkn' perspective.
12. There was this piece in the Eli Broad building at LACMA. You sit on a bench, one of many, and look at what appears to be a, ummm, black wall. It's not. It's for you to do what you will with...think, create, cry, dream, grieve, whatever. Rest even! Not everything has to be covered with something. Not every moment between two people has to be full of conversation...there can be lulls and there can be space and that's really beautiful in relationships, I mean...uh, art.
13. Hip Museum Girl said she saw me walk in earlier and loved my shoes. Sometimes it can feel SO lonely being alone and then you realize someone is watching you. Or someone has noticed you. You're not so alone, little bird. Go out and have those little adventures all by your lonesome. You'll be just fine.
Much love,
Cole
Lessons in love from me...to you. You're very, very welcome for my transparent heart and gushy mind.
1. French love songs help ease the pain of a new "in like" fading to "'eh".
2. Whipped cream helps, too. Use it to coat everything, particularly your raw beating heart on the table. Or, uhh...the hot chocolate. Both burn your insides.
3. After talking to my niece yesterday I realized, love at 17 is no different than love at 37. It's just more wrinkled and requires a calendar.
4. All you can do is take a man at his word until you can't. That bit o' wisdom is from a southern friend. They know a couple things down there, ya'll.
5. You are tall, booby and leggy enough for someone.
6. LA Sucks. Except for Phillipes and MOCA and, well, that's about it. Ask me in a couple months. This week, it completely sucks egg.
7. If he invites someone else to the concert and only invites you to lunch, run, darling. It's ending before it even starts. You should be the lunch girl and the concert girl and the kissing girl and the dirty text girl. It's a package deal.
8. Men will try to put you in their pocket and pull you out when it's convenient. Don't fit in the pocket. Don't be a pocket girl. Take a whole fucking seat and refuse to be tucked away.
9. Men do dumb things. They are still good men.
10. You do dumb things. You still are a good women.
11. I do dumb things. I'm still amazing.
12. It's worth falling in a bit of love to experience that, "I can't concentrate"' feeling. To be Pre Middle Age and still have that is worth it. Even when it ends.
13. Continue with the French love songs if you still feel like shit. It'll end soon.
14. Within a moment, you'll take a breath, look up and another bit of love will be there. And one day, because you believe in messy, beachy love, the real thing will come along.
15. Even when you're tempted to close up and wall up after a "love hurt". Don't! Man up! Open that gushy heart. Be brave and say yes to love again.
Terrrible love blows this week. And a cold on top of it. I should jump off the ledge. It's only two steps though so I don't think it would be quite as impactful as I'd imagine. So, I'll keep my heart open. I'll love. I'll say hello. I'll have lunch with strange men that smell of gorgeous little adventures. And I'll wait for kisses and texts and dates and like and then perhaps...love.
Much love to you this very merry Christmas. May your list be full of nothing but the want of friends, family and fellowship.
Muahh,
Cole
Conversation: Even a Caveman Can Do it.
Conversation: It’s to a date what Conan is to the Barbarian; what Murray’s Pomade is to Brian Setzer’s hair; what Bruce Lee is to taking ass and kicking names. I think you get the point… Yeah, it’s that important.
I’m not the best conversationalist in the world. I’d say I’m pretty average. However, in my dating adventures I’ve learned how to converse with people that have varied and disparate interests from my own. One thing that is common from person to person is that, regardless of their shyness, they like to talk about themselves and their interests.
In addition to people wanting to talk about themselves there’s another basic principal that I base my conversation philosophy on: Open and Closed questions. Questions and answers are the basis of most any conversation; generally used to continue or initiate a conversation. Knowing the difference between the two can help you to identify where you might be failing in conversation. Also finding balance in the conversation is key. You don’t want to dominate or be dominated in the conversation. Finding the right mix is impossible; however, finding something close is pretty easy.
Closed Questions
There are two definitions that are used to describe closed questions. One such definition is that a closed question can be answered with either a single word answer or short phrase response or can be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” Generally speaking, if you’re on a date you want to engage your date and be engaged by them. As such, closed questions should be used to open a conversation; otherwise they should be kept at a minimum unless you have other follow up questions ready to go.
Some closed questions would be: ‘How are you?’ or ‘How old are you?’ and ‘is that a spork in front of you?’
Closed questions, in summary, can be used best when opening a conversation. For example, ‘Isn’t it a nice day?’ or ‘Where do you live?’ Closed questions can also be used to test for understanding as well, to ensure that you understand your date. And, if you’re a manipulative terd, then closed questions could be used to set a mood or even suggest a certain outcome… It’s all in the delivery and how you ask these questions; and I’m not really here to tell you how to manipulate people. If I knew how I’d be earning a hefty pay check and not writing blogs.
Open Questions.
An open question seeks, as its purpose, a lengthy response; quite the opposite of a closed question. Open questions require one to think and reflect; they require one to share opinions and feelings; and, most importantly, they allow one to pass control of the conversation to one another.
Some questions that fall in this category are: ‘How do you keep focused on school?’ ‘What do you do for fun in your spare time?’ and ‘What did you do this week?’ These questions require reflection and thought and will give you a lengthier response. Such questions usually begin with: How, what, what and describe. But certainly there are a lot of ways to initiate an open question.
Open questions, as I stated, pass control and allow one to share the conversation with another person, in this case, their date. It can be scary to do that, though. However, a well-placed question leaves you in control as you can potentially steer their interest and engage them where you are most comfortable with them.
Balance, it’s not just about getting the right amount of Fiber in your diet.
As for finding a good balance in conversation between two people on a date there’s really no magic “rule,” so to speak. But mixing in a couple closed questions with an open question seems to work well for me… However, I find that if you are able to get your date to ask YOU open questions then you’re definitely on the right track. This empowers you to intrigue you date with your wit, charm and awful jokes or intrigue your date with incomplete stories.
Lessons Learned on Your Average Sunday
1. Master Light Horn Tapping.
So, the light turns green and I mean barely turns green and Monster Truck Guy lays on his horn for me to go. Me? In my poor, aged car. So mean. We both go, turn the corner and stop at the next light. That's when I get out. Yep. I did. I motioned for Monster Truck Guy to roll down his window and said, "Darling, I don't know what you're so angry about but it's a light, that's it. And your honk is completely inappropriate. A light tap or two will do and maybe you can throw in a wave." He grinned, apologized and we went on our way.
If your mother isn't dying and you're not rushing to get to the hospital to see her, there's no need to lay on the horn that hard. Master the art of the light tap.
2. Say Sorries.
I parked my car in one of the many shopping malls I visited this weekend. And I was running through some rather racy texts before going inside. I like a little visual stimulation to inspire my shopping. So, Accord pulls in real fast two spots over and rams (yes rams) into a shopping cart. Said shopping cart goes barreling (yes barreling) into the front of my car and hits with a rather loud thud.
I did the two horn tap to get her attention and noticed that she watched the whole incident happen. She got out of her car, grabbed a package from the trunk and quickly ran inside the store, avoiding eye contact with me. Hmmm.
My younger year instinct would have been to have an encounter with her and Set. Her. Straight.
I'm over it. I looked at her and saw myself as a young woman, making rash, fast, hurried decisions and thinking of myself more than others. And I quickly remembered causing little bumps and dents of the car and non car type. I smiled. I let it go.
And I reminded myself to say sorry when I cause dents and bumps and bruises and thuds even if others don't. I'm only responsible for my sorries.
3. Moments are More Important Than Material.
I went to dinner with Brazil last night and we had a very boring lackluster evening of conversationless sushi. Thank God the tuna was spicy because nothing else was. Brazil is handsome and sexy and otherwise fun to watch but conversationally, he is an Ambien.
He got me started thinking about cars though and perhaps looking at a new one instead of the old one I have. I was a constant new car girl for many years. It's a little humbling being no power steering or air conditioning girl. I do like being no car payment girl though.
Thinking. Thinking.
So, Brazil is talking through all the financing options because that is what he does and he's making calls and I love when men make calls for me. And he takes me home and I sleep the sleepless night of a woman that might be buying a new car for the first time in a long time...again.
And that really turns me on.
And it hits me. Well, it doesn't hit me immediately but it hits me as I'm out test driving Mercedes the week before Thanksgiving. There are people without food. Let me rephrase, there are people without food everyday of the week but it's highlighted in the heart the week of thanksgiving. So, I'm waiting for the guy to get the key to have me drive the car and I keep hearing in my heart, "You're going to spend $500 on this car and you could spend $500 on a person...every month." I had great conflict in my heart about it. I still have great conflict about it.
There are pre middle age questions to ask and to answer. Is the car more important than the people? Is the image more important than quietly helping someone in need? Will material matter more than moments? I can't honestly say I have answers to all of these but I'm glad, at this age, I'm wrestling with the questions.
Much love....Cole
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