Monday, November 22, 2010

What I Wanted to Say.

Brought to you by $3.17 a gallon which I cannot believe seems like a good deal to me.

I was on my way back to take my rental, oh by the way I was on my way to take the rental back to Enterprise when I realized I needed to fill up the tank so I didn't pay $1,732.99 per gallon to fill it up. 

I'm learning in my old age.  You men are impressed, aren't you?  Continuing... 

So, I go to fill up the car, get out, put my debit card in and do the whole waiting at the gas tank thing that we all do when I noticed the "Push To Speak With Attendant" button.  I stared at it.  I wanted to press it.  Badly.  No, I mean not in the way where you want to ask a question for assistance but in a sort of "Hi, how are you today?  I don't really need help but thought I'd say hi way."  You know.  Like that way. 

I kept looking at the button and then looking inside to see who might answer my request and then wondering if they would call the Crazy Police on me for pressing it for a non gas emergency reason.  Though not certain if one can be ticketed for pressing the help button I didn't want to take a chance.  I'm trying to be responsible and all those sort of pre middle age things. 

Still, what I wanted to do was press it and say hi.

And even this evening.  The grandma that hurt herself last week at the corner market stopped by my office and wanted to thank me for sitting with her until the paramedics came.  She has limited english and I have limited faarsi and what she wanted to say she couldn't.  And what I wanted to say I couldn't.  What I wanted to say was, "I'm glad you're alive and I don't want you out walking around without help and I'm nervous something is going to happen to you and by the way WHERE IS YOUR SWEATER?" 

And my little, taller than me Snarky Brother.  I stopped by his work today and have missed him and felt this really huge need to rush up and hug him even though our family is not much of the hugging sort.  I saw him and he looked Snarky as ever and not in the hugging mood and what I wanted to say was, "I had another seizure last night and I'm so tired of them but just in case one of these is The Big One I want to hug you so that there will be a hug on the record and just deal with it."  I didn't.  I smiled and chatted about nonsense and walked away.

I should have pressed the button at the gas station and talked to the attendant.  Who knows if they were in utter turmoil at that very moment and I could have offered a gas station word of encouragement. 

I should have told the grandma to sit down and found her a blanket and loved on her a bit instead of nodding my head and smiling and having pleasantries that don't amount to much of anything.

And I should have hugged my brother and then called The Elder and told him how very much I love him.  Just because and just in case and just cause that's what you should do rather than not doing it.

What I wanted to say to you all is that I'm indebted to you for reading my words and for loving on me and caring and finding joy and some understanding from the details of my life.

Much love to you as you find the things you want to say and then say them,


  1. There's still time to do those things...every day is a new day to capture those moments lost yesterday. And thanks, happy to be here, reading and loving.

  2. I am blessed for knowing you. You are a bright light in a dark world.

  3. I know this isn't the point, but wrapped in all those words about what you should've said, you snuck in what is probably high & heavy on your mind right now: you had another one. I don't know how often you have them, or how often they really rattle you... But I know the other one did.
    I hope you're ok.

  4. @girltrueheart Appreciate you!
    @Traci Oh, sometimes I'm the muddy dark tunnel but do try to bring some light, :)
    @mandygirl Yep. Another. Not so bad, really. Still, in a place where it is putting life into perspective for me once again. People not things matter. Though I do love a pair of diamond earrings. *sigh*

  5. I like that I have a nickname in your brain. That's a fun surprise.

    Hoping you get some diamond earrings from Santa this year. :)

  6. @MG See, I shorten it sometimes, too. ;) MandyGirl fits you for some reason.

    Diamond earrings: I like to buy one significant thing when I complete something BIG. Thinking when the book hits Amazon and Barnes and Nobles and I get my first sale from someone that didn't babysit me, I'll buy a pair.


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